Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

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Tips for Respectful Discussion

When Affirmation friends and members discuss difficulties arising from living in a homophobic church and society, anger and frustration can sometimes get out of control. Discussion group leaders should encourage a free exchange of ideas and establish some guidelines for keeping conflicts at a minimum. Many conflicts stem directly or indirectly from sloppy habits of verbal communication. All of us have had arguments that turned out to be "just semantics." The following is a list of suggested DO's and DON'T's aimed at helping prevent the needless conflict that results from careless habits of communication.

DON'T use "you" when "one" is what you mean, and especially when "I" is what you mean.

DO verbalize disagreements as soon as they arise.

DON'T attack a person with whom you disagree.

DO affirm the fact that in spite of the disagreement, the other person might be right.

DON'T take inflexible stands on issues about which you are really not inflexible.

DO listen fully to what the other person is saying.

DON'T make up your next speech while the other person is talking.

DO let the other person finish their sentences without interruption.

DO apologize or request permission for interruptions you feel are necessary.

DON'T make assumptions about the other person's position. Ask.

DO make sure you agree with the other person on basic definitions.

DO seek points of agreement to form a positive backdrop for your disagreement.

DON'T suppress anger. Let the other person know if you are angry and why.

DO admit frankly that you are wrong, if you see that you are. Few things inspire respect more quickly.

DON'T say behind someone's back what you would not say to him/her.

DO take care to assure yourself that necessary agreements have been reached prior to action to them.

DON'T speak authoritatively about that on which you are not an authority. It tends to box one's ego into a corner.

DO show respect for anyone you talk to.

DON'T lie.

DO expect the best from the other person.