Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

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Don Harryman

Don D. Harryman

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My mission call to Japan came in the fall of 1970. During the week I spent in the old mission home in Salt Lake City, we heard among the many inspiring messages given to us by various General Authorities of the church some terrifying ones about the evils of unrepentant sexual sin. The word which I could barely say to myself was repeated several times. Homosexuality, we were warned, was consummate evil, and any unrepentant person was doomed to a mission filled with spiritual darkness and failure. I was certain they were right, and with my heart pounding, I requested to speak to the Mission Home president. Upon hearing my confession, he assured me that I was involved in the darkest of sins. But after questioning me about specific instances and people I had been involved with, he determined that since I had only sexual feelings but no experience, I was clean and worthy to go on my mission. Relieved, I left Salt Lake City for the Language Training Mission in Hawaii determined to be the best missionary that I could be.

I loved my mission. I excelled in the language, enjoyed most of my companions, and developed a real love for the Japanese people and their beautiful and fascinating country. I found some aspects of mission life competitive in a way which seemed more like what I imagined boot camp would be than what a mission should be, and sometimes the endless rules seemed harsh. But my mission was a profound religious and cultural experience.

Still at times terrifying feelings came over me with hot, undeniable certainty. At times I felt intense, compelling, and definitely sexual feelings for some men—especially for certain church members and for certain companions with whom I also had strong emotional ties. Certain nights during the summer stand out in my memory. I awoke from sleep, drenched with sweat from the heat of the stifling Japanese summer, from the erotic dream I was having, and from the passions I felt for my companion who slept next to me. I followed what was by now a familiar pattern and confessed my feelings to my mission president. He listened patiently and seemed unable to comprehend what I was telling him. Then he did the wisest thing a person in his position could do: since I had not acted on my feelings, there could be no punishment. He withheld both judgment and punishment and told me he loved me and appreciated my efforts as a missionary. The love and support of my mission president and his wife helped me to finish my mission.