PORTLAND, Ore. — To many, the concept of a gay Mormon is an oxymoron. For a religion that bans cigarettes, coffee and alcohol, same-sex intercourse is a definite sin.

In fact, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a religion with a staunchly conservative reputation, doesn't even acknowledge the existence of gays. They are only heterosexuals with deviant inclinations.

"Sometimes it pushes the boundary to tell them you're a gay Mormon," said Rick Fernandez, 40, a Portland lawyer. "They think you must be crazy or confused."

But gay members of the church say being Mormon goes much deeper than doctrine and dogma.

"For many people, being Mormon is like being Jewish. Even if you don't believe the whole ball of wax, it's still a part of your identity," Fernandez said.

In an effort to reconcile their religious and sexual natures, nearly 300 gay Mormons are expected to converge on Portland today for the 20th annual conference of Affirmation, a gay Mormon support group.

Though not an official arm of the Mormon Church, Affirmation aims to help Mormons cope with their gay lifestyle.

Running through Monday, the conference will feature workshops on topics such as gay marriage, gay youth in the church and parenting gays. A hermaphrodite will lead a session on transgender issues.

The Mormon Church was founded in 1830 by Joseph Smith. Some credit the church's emphasis on traditional family values with its quick growth to a current worldwide membership of 10 million believers.

While only about 300 gay Mormons are registered with Affirmation, the group estimates thousands of America's 5 million Mormons are still in the closet.

And many say the Mormons' hard-line stance on homosexuality keeps that closet door closed.

When gays do step outside, local bishops can enlist any number of disciplinary actions, including probation, disfellowship and excommunication from the church.

These are not idle threats to gays wanting to preserve their religious heritage. Believer Drew Smith straddles the line.

"My involvement in the church is important enough to me that I haven't decided to partake in sexual activities because I know that would jeopardize my role with the church," Smith said.

The 32-year-old came out to his Seattle ward two years ago and stays active as the bishop's administrative assistant. He swears off alcohol and cigarettes, believes the divine revelations of church founder Joseph Smith and tries his best to live by the Book of Mormon.

He also goes out to gay clubs to dance with friends.

Other gays have not adjusted that easily and some gradually have left the fold as they deal with guilt and isolation.

"When I told church members I was gay, I said, 'OK, God has realized I'm gay but I've got to know if he still loves me.' That whole aspect darn near drove me to suicide," said Jay Bell, 50, a computer engineer from Salt Lake City.

Although he's come to peace with himself and God, Bell said he now belongs to a religion of one.

While other denominations debate the ordination of gay clergy and begin to champion gay rights, Affirmation members don't expect the Mormons to loosen up anytime soon.

Still, change isn't impossible. Fernandez noted the church recently abandoned its policy of blaming parents for their children's homosexuality.

But Fernandez acknowledges Mormons prefer slow, quiet change.

"To Mormons," he said, "it's still one of those scary issues people don't want to talk about."