"You're drinking TEA!?" I exclaim. "Caffeine is TABOO! I'm going to 'out' you as a bad Mormon!"

My Starbucks companion blushes. "It's herbal."

"You probably dance, too!" I accuse him. "Naughty!"

"You've got us mixed up with Seventh-Day Adventists," he smiles. "Mormons dance, especially we Gay Mormons."

I'm gabbing and guzzling sinful beverages with Jason Firth, the bearded, affable 33-year-old press liaison of the SF chapter of Affirmation -- the Mormon Gay and Lesbian support organization.

Gay Mormons?! It seems incongruous, like Gwyneth Paltrow belching, but it's true.

Homosexual membership in the Mormon Church seems awkward because Mormons are gargantuan anti-gay-rights contributors. Mormons mailed in big bucks to bury gay-marriage ambitions in Alaska and Hawaii, and they're currently contributing huge homophobic help to California's "Definition of Marriage Initiative" (aka "The Knight Initiative"). Same-sex unions will be squashed in our state, if voters adopt this intolerant measure on March 7, 2000. Affirmation is adamantly opposed to its church's policies. I want to know, are these rebels harrassed by the Salt Lake City establishment? Isn't it crazy being queer in their conservative creed?

"How many wives does your Dad have?" I ask Jason. "Just kidding ... I think."

Patient Jason has to deprogram me before we can proceed. Diligently, I digest several truthies and falsies regarding his faith:

• Polygamy was outlawed by the main Mormon congregation in 1890, but splinter groups still secretly practice it.
• Mormons don't all have bomb shelters, but many (including Jason's parents) have two years of food supplies squirreled away in the basement.
• Mormonism is one of the world's fastest-growing religions -- there are large congregations in Africa and South America, and some Pacific Islands are 90 percent Mormon.
• Mormons are named after "Mormon" -- a Jewish prophet who supposedly fled Jerusalem in an ark in 600 B.C. with his followers to escape Babylonian captivity. Emigrating to America, they established a "lost religion" that was divinely revealed to Joseph Smith in the early 1800s in hieroglyphic golden plates that he translated.
• Mormons have their own welfare system that supports church members; they never request federal funds.
• Young Mormons do two years of "missionary" work -- Jason served in Portugal when he was 19-21 years old.

"Jeepers!" I shudder. "Was it brutal when you 'came out' as gay?"

Jason shakes his head.

"The Mormon attitude on gays isn't horrible," he explains. "They tell you what they think is right, but most won't say 'you're going to hell!'

"Catholics are worse," I decide.

"Mormons used to promote 'change therapy'," Jason continues. "They'd show you gay porn and electrocute you to try to get you to stop being gay. Mormons also used to say, 'Just get married and then you'll be OK!' So now, there's older gay Mormons who are married with kids and they're getting divorced or leading a double life."

"But ... all in all," I interject. "being 'Gay Mormon' doesn't sound as absolutely wretched as I imagined."

Jason grins. "I'm happy about being raised Mormon! The church preaches that there's no purpose in life more important than being a parent. My parents were really great -- they instilled strong self-worth in me. I always knew that Dad, Mom and God loved me, and that it was OK to be gay."

"OK, help me," I puzzle. "Why IS the Mormon Church opposed to Gay Marriage?"

"Mormons see themselves as defenders of the nuclear family," Jason explains. "They see Gay Marriage as a challenge to that. Mormons are actually progressive socially on gay rights -- Salt Lake City has full domestic partnership rights, for example -- but they draw the line on measures that they perceive as threatening to marriage."

"Are Mormons slowly getting less homophobic?" I inquire.

"I have great hopes!" Jason's eyes brighten. "Younger Mormons are meeting gays, and they're more supportive of gay rights. Mormon leaders -- like our president, Gordon B. Hinkley -- are all in their 60s to 90s, because our leadership is based on seniority. But eventually, as time passes, the Mormon Church will change."

"How many Affirmation members are in San Francisco, ready to act up?" I ask.

"Our chapter has 40 members," Jason says. "We also have bisexuals, transsexuals, even non-Mormons in our group. We're available to anyone who is looking for support in spirituality and sexuality issues."

"What's Affirmation's secret plan?" I squint my face, conspiratorially. "Are radical confrontation tactics planned for the California campaign? Are Affirmation members going to have a 'kissing session' in front of a Temple and get mass-excommunicated?"

"No," he replies mildly. "Affirmation is non-confrontational; we don't want to alienate anyone. It's unlikely that any of us will hold a dramatic public protest, unless there's a radical chapter somewhere. The most activist we will get is publishing our ideas, in print and on our web site."

"But Jason!" I ask him, "what would you ideally like the Mormon Church to do? Besides lifting the caffeine ban?"

"I wish ..." Jason muses thoughtfully, "that my Church -- which is so good at supporting straight families and marriages -- I wish they'd use their energy, skill and organizational expertise to promote Gay Marriage. I wish the Mormon Church would do for me what they did for my parents, in helping them have a happy home life."

Our meeting ends now, as Jason heads back to his law practice. What a patient, reasonable man he is, I decide -- he honors the moral values in a group that oppresses him.

Maybe I should return to Catholicism ... after all, those wafers were tasty!