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David and Dean

"How grateful I am that I was sent on a mission to Canada. I am so proud to be Canadian, and that I may sponsor my husband into this beautiful country. We are a forever family.”

Becoming a Forever Family

by Dean Snelling
January 2005

When I left for my mission to western Canada I never knew how much it would change my life. The war in Vietnam broke out while I was there, and so when I returned to the United States, I returned to a country in strife. I missed Canada. All I wanted to do was return. My Canadian immigration papers were filled out, my application was turned into the Calgary School Board, and I was ready to go! But just a few months before my departure, I received a note from Uncle Sam. Greetings from the President of the United States--you have been drafted!

I did not know what to do. Should I flee to Canada as so many young men were doing at the time, or should I go into the service into a war that I did not agree with. I had been going to my bishop for counseling because of my orientation. He told me that I must fill in the box--the little box stating that I was gay. It was not until the end of my physical that the officer in charge noticed that mark in the special box. So, all in one day, I flunked my physical, told my family that it was because I had flat feet, and left for Canada.

Over the many years I tried to force myself to be "normal," like other people. So, I married at 27, I was widowed at 34 with two daughters under five, I remained true to the church and raised my daughters in the faith, but I was still gay and could never understand why. The church told me that it was totally psychological, yet I believed that I was born gay--or at least born with the tendency to be so. I did not know the answers, and could not find anyone else who knew either, so I lived my life the best I could and felt that God would explain it all to me when I died.

It was not until 1998, when I returned to Canada after having taught at an international school in Switzerland for fifteen years, that a friend, trying to help me, gave me an article by Dallin Oaks. I had not seen that article before. Elder Oaks explained that it was a possibility that some men could be born with the tendency to be gay, however, we were to be responsible for our actions and remain chaste. In addition he said that the church did not support "fast-fix marriages!" This left only celibacy!

I was livid! For years I had believed that I was born with the tendency to be gay, but the church had insisted that it was totally psychological! Now they were telling me that they were wrong-- and I was right! I WAS BORN WITH THE TENDENCY TO BE GAY!

In addition they told me that if I got married, and if I was faithful, I would become "normal," that is, heterosexual. Now Elder Oaks was teaching that we should not have fast fix marriages. They now support the Catholic teaching of celibacy! WHEN DID GOD CHANGE HIS MIND?

At that time I began my search--my search for a husband! I was 55 years old and living in Red Deer, Alberta, a city of 70,000. People there were very rural and ignorant. Where oh where would I ever find a partner? Certainly not in Red Deer! I soon was taking weekly trips to Edmonton, the provincial capital with one million people and at least two gay bars, a gay choir, and a gay church. It did not take the leaders of my ward and stake long to notice my lack of attendance at church and my diminishing tithe slips, so they asked to see me. They wanted to "help." Their "help" included my excommunication. Openly gay high priests are not welcomed.

I was 55 years old. My faith community had been torn away from me, and although my two daughters were supportive, the rest of my extended family wanted nothing to do with me.

I was 55 years old. I had never dated guys before. I never wanted anyone to know I was gay, so I had always engaged in casual sex so no one would ever know. You can not, after all, smell sex on your breath or on your clothes on Sunday morning! And where would I be able to find someone my age to date? Most men my age had been caught in the AIDS epidemic and had long since died. Every time I met one that I thought might be interesting, he turned out to already be partnered.

I was 55 years old, and I found that in spite of my age, I was still able to attract men who were much younger than me. However, when they discovered how old I was, they wanted only to entertain me for a nights pleasure, or they went running the other way.

I made a major decision. I would sell my beautiful home in Red Deer, that I had purchased in the hope that it would be a place of comfort for me in my old age. I would then move to Vancouver where it seldom snows and live in the West End which was reported to be a total "Gay Heaven."

And so, I put my home up for sale and started to talk to new friends on Gay.com in the Vancouver Room to prepare for my grand arrival in that beautiful city.

I met several men in the Vancouver Room. Some I even spoke to on the phone. One came to see me. He was HIV+. It seemed that half of Vancouver was HIV+. Then I met David. We began to chat on line, and soon we became friends. We spoke on the phone, and so I made a visit to see him. He was 51 and I was 58. He was handsome, polite, well educated, talented. He did not smoke or drink. When I left Vancouver, I could think of no one but him. He came to see me for Christmas in 2003 for a visit.

I had always promised myself that I would date someone for at least a year before I married them. David proposed to me on January 2, 2004. I could not have cared or loved someone more than David, if I had known him for a month or a year. I did not want to loose him. I accepted. I thought we would wait a while to be married, but fate seemed to change that.

As I have a mentally challenged man in my care who lives with me, I told David that we should go get a police check. The agency whom I worked for required it.

So a few moments after David's proposal of marriage, he and I went to get the police check. David had made an application to immigrate into Canada from within the country. He thought it was still being processed. When we went to the police department we discovered that it had been lost. Because of this, immigration officials said he had overstayed his time here and that he would have to leave.

For three days we did not know if he would be able to stay or if they would deport him out of the country. As it was the New Year's Weekend, there were no immigration officials available. We had to wait until Monday before they arrived from Calgary. We were able to make an appeal to give us more time. Our marriage, which we had planned to perform at a later time, was changed to the immediate future.

. . . . . .

Today the Canadian legislature has brought forth a law to parliament that will make same sex marriages legal all over the country. It is already legal in 7 provinces out of 10. How grateful I am that I was sent on a mission to Canada. I am so proud to be Canadian, and that I may sponsor my husband into this beautiful country. We are a forever family.