Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

WHO
WE ARE

ESPECIALLY
FOR YOU

EVENTS
& NEWS

RESOURCES
& LINKS

BECOME
INVOLVED


DONATE

Miscellaneous Voices

Mark Ryan Johnson

Either Way...
"Whether I stay in the Church or leave it, I'm resolved to find happiness in this journey"

by Mark Ryan Johnson
Reposted from Mark's blog with permission
December 2008

This week I came to powerful, overwhelming conclusions about the course of my life: either way--if I stay in the Church, or if I leave it--I will find happiness in this journey. After years of believing the life of a gay Mormon could be nothing more than miserable and nothing better than hell, I realize now happiness awaits the earnest seeker of it. I am not consigned to a life of woe, but am given the opportunity to follow my heart on the path to happiness.

Either way, I will love those who struggle. I will consider myself worthy to be counted as one of a very unique and close community, bound together by not just our trials, but also our hopes and dreams, our quest for understanding and tolerance. I will not seek to rationalize my own decisions by minimizing the conclusions of others. None of us, not one, will come to any verdict without much heart-wrenching turmoil.

For those who find that they must leave, I will question neither their motives nor their effort. I will not condemn them, for judgment is God's alone and from what I know of Him, He is much more predisposed to look past our weaknesses and see the purity of our hearts than we may give Him credit for. Likewise, I will not think less of those who choose to stay. They do not stay because they lack the courage to leave. They stay because they see a level of goodness within the Church that they do not find outside of it.

There is no "better choice"--each of us must find our own way.

Either way, I will sacrifice. The journey of a gay Mormon has no route around Moriah. There is no detour. No matter which decision we make (to leave, to stay, to marry) we walk up that hill as Abraham of old, we take out our blade and with fear, hesitance and uncertainty we soon find that their will be no ram waiting in the thicket for us. Whatever decision we make comes at a great cost, and I do not for a moment underestimate the value of either sacrifice.

If I stay, I sacrifice companionship, romance, the chance for a family of my own, to know how it feels to be loved. No one can deny the inexplicably beautiful feeling of butterflies in your stomach. If I leave, I sacrifice the greatest family I have ever known. I remove myself from the Saints of God and the blessings that come from activity in the kingdom of God. I do not separate myself from the love of God, but to a large extent from the love of His people. I will sacrifice the acceptance of many of those whom I love dearly.

Either way, I will love God. God is many to things to many people. The three things I know most powerfully about Him are that He understands, He loves unconditionally and that He weeps with us when we do.

He understands our mistakes. He understands the desires of our hearts. He understands our yearnings for love and family and companionship. He loves us unconditionally and blesses each of us daily even though each of us is less than perfect, even though each of us consciously makes decisions that take us further from Him. He weeps with us when we do. He knows our hearts and His compassion is not limited by correct decisions. Even when we weep over the stupid choices we have made, or the things that seem so important that really have no consequence, He weeps with us. Who God is--and who God is to me--remains constant, irrelative of my choice.

Either way, I will serve His children. If I stay or go I will still serve His children and look for opportunities to be selfless. We build His kingdom by building people. My patriarchal blessing says that I have "a great opportunity to be a blessing in the lives of others." I believe that either way, the opportunity and responsibility of that promise is mine. As one who "struggles," I know the need of reaching out with compassion and love to the gay community. Tolerance and equality are causes worth fighting for. There is much work to do in a world where the last words a 19-year-old boy hears are: "Die, you fucking faggot." There is much work in the Church when so many leave because no one understands them, no one loves them, no one surrounds them with arms of love and carries them upon their backs.

Either way, I will have a place. Be it in the arms of a (hopefully) handsome man or among the other broken Saints of God. There will be times of loneliness--without doubt. That is an unavoidable aspect of life.

The man I love might walk away or might let me down or might not come at all. I'm inexperienced in most matters of love, but I've already learned too much of pain and felt too much heartache--it is inevitable. The Church I love might fail me. There will undoubtedly be many Sundays where I have the whole bench to myself and then I'll walk into Priesthood where the lesson will be on marriage and no one in the room will be able to understand why I just can't overcome "this" and find the right girl.

Despite all this, and in many ways because of it, happiness awaits me. Great things await me. Sometimes life is so good, I don't want to go to bed because I know that no dream could be better.

Tomorrow may bring pain, but today I am happy. And even more happiness awaits.