Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian Mormons

Letter to My Stake President

By Ryan Nay

Greetings,

This is a copy of a letter that I sent to the president of a LDS singles branch I was attending out in Kansas, before I relocated to Salt Lake City. I have changed his name to keep him anonymous. I thought I would share this with you.

Dear President Jensen,

I feel that it is time to write you to share with you what has been going on in my life. You have been an important part of my spiritual experience.

First of all, I hope you know that the Church does not condemn same-gender orientation. It only condemns sexual acts outside of a lawful marriage between a man and a woman. The reason I say this is because we know that the First Presidency has made a distinction between thoughts and behavior. I will go as far as to make a distinction between thoughts and feelings. While at times "our thoughts will condemn us" our feelings do not. I could not make this distinction when I was fighting my homosexual "thoughts" and "feelings."

While the Church as a whole does not recognize same-gender sexual orientation, many in positions of authority understand the reality behind it. If you have e-mail, I have some things I can send you. (Being that you are a professor at KSU, I assume you do.)

The problem is many church members do not understand this. I am not sure if you do. That fact that people have homosexual feelings is a direct attack to their testimony of the gospel. Reason being is because the gospel and our Heavenly Father's plan are very much centered on the sacred act of procreation, an act that exercises our god-like potential. The fact that some will not procreate in this life causes problems for some. Yet non-procreative heterosexual relationships are still sustained by the Church. This in my mind is the only logical reason for people's bitter attitude of homosexuality.

I believe the rest of the reasons for people's intolerant attitude about homosexuality are based on myths. Some of these are assorted with simple definitions of words. When one in our society hears the word "gay." A whole bunch of negative images enter into their mind. I am sure this is the case with you. You probably see the "gay" label as being demeaning and limiting. So did I when I first accepted myself as being gay. This is why I felt there was no place for me in the Church. But then I learned that "gay" did not have to be "bad." I realized that I could be who I was and still accept myself as gay. This was very empowering. But I still had problems. I still could not discern between what was appropriate and what was not. I accepted my homosexual thoughts and feelings and discerned ALL of them as being good. This resulted in a lot of destructive behavior. I am thankful for the principle of repentance and of the wonderful Atonement of Jesus Christ. I am now learning to "hold fast to that which is good." And I have found that there is something good about the same-gender feelings that I have.

I have learned there is something good about being gay. This is still hard for church members to accept, for they feel that the Church condemns same-gender orientation.

This is where reparative therapy is very destructive. For some that enter this program, there is nothing that needs to be repaired. They just need to accept themselves for who they are. This can be a harsh reality. Very few have succeeded in eliminating homosexual feelings from their lives. Anybody can control behavior, but not feelings. This has resulted in a huge guilt factor put on by the "professionals" of reparative therapy. Often individuals leave this program with more problems than they enter with. Once I accepted myself as being gay, I was told that I was no longer welcome at Evergreen. I am thankful this has not happened at church.

This brings me to where I am going now. After pulling myself together last summer, I have found a singles ward up at the "U" which I feel comfortable in. Before attending the ward or talking to the Bishop, I asked the Lord for a priesthood leader that would understand my situation. One who is educated on the issue. This prayer was answered when I went to the Bishop confessing guilt for some of my actions but no guilt for my orientation. The reason he is so understanding is because he has a close family member whom is gay. He realizes there are no easy answers, that the church is very misinformed. This was a real strength to my testimony.

As of now, I am very much actively involved in the Church and the gay community of Salt Lake. I take pride in being a Latter-Day Saint who is gay. Not the church defined pride, but the pride of self-esteem. I am attending classes at the Salt Lake Community college and I work at the airport. I am honest and "out" with those who mean the most to me. With the Lord's help, I "came out" a couple of months ago to my ward during fast and testimony meeting. The Bishop was completely prepared for what I was going to do. He got up after me and publicly supported me for what I did. He emphasized that this was Christ's church, and challenged them to react the same way Christ would react if He were there. He also emphasized that there were no easy answers to this issue. The reaction of my ward was wonderful. Several thanked me for what I did. Many acknowledged that it was something that needed to be said. The following week a Stake High Counselor gave a talk on "same gender attraction" to my ward. I was not a result of what I did, but the timing could not have been better, for he had already delivered the talk to other wards on assignment from the Stake President. I obtained a written copy of the talk. I have examined it thoroughly. It is good.

A lot I agree with, some I don't. I will send it to you if you would like. I have become a good friend with this High Counselor. He is very open minded to what I have to say. With the support of him and my bishop, I hope to accomplish much in bringing others who are gay back into the gospel. First, I must do my part to help them feel loved and accepted for who they are. This is my mission for the time.

Where does this lead me? I am not certain. As long as I have Christ in my life, I am not afraid. I want to love and be loved as much as anyone else is. To do that with a female could be a blessing or could bring disaster. It could potentially hurt her worse than it would me. Members of the Church, except for those who know better, expect this course of me. To choose a male companion would bring possible disfellowshipment or excommunication from the Church. I believe I could still maintain a relationship with Christ making this choice, and be involved in the Church to a certain degree. But it would not be easy. The likelihood of finding somebody who would be willing to take this venture with me is slim. My last option is living a single and celibate life. Right now the best of the three for me. This is open for change in the future. This is not essentially doctrine in and of itself. But this is how it stands at the present. The important thing for me is being close to the Lord. I will not let anything get in the way of that. I know that God wants me to experience joy in this life. I trust that He will lead me to it. Whether it is with a "him" or a "her" or by myself, I will always be anxiously engaged in a good cause. I know the Church is true. I know of the redeeming power of Christ. My testimony and understanding of the gospel is stronger now than it has ever been. I want you to know that.

President Jensen, I send my love to you. I send my love to the Branch. You are free to share this letter with whomever you want. For I am not ashamed of myself. And I am "not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ." (Romans 1:16) Send my love to Brother Chandler if you are moved by this letter, which I hope you will be. Let the Spirit guide you on whom to share this with. If you are moved, you are even free to share this with the branch. It is something they need to hear, but I don't know if they are ready for it. I don't know if you are ready for this. It is my hope that you will pray about the things I have shared with you. I doubt that I will be the first to come to you with homosexual problems, or the last. Let's learn and grow together. For this is important. Please reply with your honest feelings. You will not offend me. I am too confident with my relationship with the Lord for anybody to shake it. But I will also be honest and frank with you in our correspondence. Let's keep it going.

Love,
Ryan Nay