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February, 1998 By Ben Jarvis Recently I have been reminded how closely tied I am with the Mormon culture. Regardless of my formal membership status in the LDS Church, I believe that I will always consider myself to be Mormon and I feel that the values and traditions I was raised with will always be a large part of who I am. As many of you know, I am no longer active in the Church. Although I have moved on to other things, I maintain a cordial relationship with Church leaders and harbor no ill feelings toward the organization that I grew up in and learned from. I have enjoyed my membership in the Church and recognize that my LDS upbringing instilled in me values and understanding that I cherish. Since coming out in 1993, the ideological gap between me and the institutional church has grown. This was not deliberate on my part, rather it simply reflected my changing needs and the Church's inability to meet them. Somewhere along the way I ceased believing in the Church the same way I did on my mission and started taking responsibility for my own spirituality as well as determining what works best for me in my life. It has been an interesting process which at times has been difficult. My perspective has changed significantly as my values and measurement of success have evolved, although I cannot explain exactly how, the last four years have involved substantial redefinition of what success, spirituality, and happiness mean to me. These realizations have taken me further from the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; however, I have found that by leaving the institutional church behind (or rather redefining my relationship with it), I have come to realize more fully the essence of Mormon philosophy. In many ways I am more Mormon today than I was when I was active in the Church. The concept of free agency, personal accountability, prayer, and the ability to let others practice religion according to their own consciences are deeper aspects of my character now that I am an out and proud gay man. I held similar views when I was active in the Church, but my convictions were dampened by the walls I built to keep others from discovering my sexuality. Only by coming out could I ever really embrace Gospel principles and realize what happiness is. Although considerable distance exists between me and the Church, there are times when my Church affiliation and upbringing become immediately clear. One such instance was in October of this year (1997). A longtime associate of Affirmation lost her father suddenly. This person and her former partner attended Affirmation a number of years ago but have not been to any meetings recently. The past year has been a tough one for her. A loving, five-year relationship ended, her mother had a stroke, and then she lost her father. To compound matters, she is an only child and was the sole person responsible for making funeral arrangements and deciding how to address the outstanding issues of her father's sudden death. She is not Mormon and her connection to Affirmation was primarily through her former partner. One of the great things about Affirmation is the sense of community and family. Members of Affirmation do not care if you are Mormon. Our membership is open to all and some of our strongest members are not even gay. We are a family, a community; and once you are a part of the Affirmation family, you always have a place at the table. When a few of us heard the news, all the training we received growing up in the Church flew into action and the old Relief Society complex kicked in immediately. We knew what to do and how to do it. Why? Because we were taught the importance of service and that it was better to pick up the ball and run with it than wait to be asked or told to do something. The response was swift as Tere started a phone tree and coordinated with other Chapter members. Less than forty-five minutes later, Tere called and said food delivery was taken care of for the week, That I would be down on Friday to tend to any tasks that still needed to be done, and that we would spread the word about the memorial service once the plans were made. Our friend was speechless and appreciative. She had no idea that such a network existed. This is one example of the kind of positive effect Affirmation can have in people's lives. People were there in this sister's hour of need, and it allowed others of us in the chapter to be of service. Every person we called eagerly volunteered. This included some Affirmation members that we haven't seen in several years. The sister thanked all of those who lent a hand and she said she felt like she was part of a family, a family she had forgotten that she had. And she is a part of the family, just as every chapter member is. The memorial service was nice, it was an Episcopal service that included family and close friends. As I participated with a few other chapter members, I wanted so badly to share some of our LDS funeral rites. The memorial service was nice, yet it did not seem complete without singing 0 My Father or Families Can Be Together Forever, or other LDS songs that are usually performed on such occasions. These are a few of the aspects of Mormonism that I will always hang onto. It's a part of who I am. After the memorial service, some of us went out to dinner and reflected on the experience. The preceding week provided insight to who we were. Although cut off from the formal Church, we all reacted as any typical Latter-day Saint might. The experience underscored the significance of our beliefs in common. Affirmation is family. It is the end result of our upbringing and values that we were taught as Church members. Indeed, Affirmation is a positive reflection of the Mormon Culture and shows that we can, in fact, be gay and Mormon. For people who are first coming out, Affirmation is a place to be comforted; a place to find those who can listen and understand. For others who are further along, Affirmation provides a social network. And when people are comfortable enough with their sexual orientation, Affirmation becomes a place where they can give something back to the GLDS community that was there for them when they first came out. You are a member of Affirmation, an organization that is working to make the world a better place. You have a family among us; you are among friends. Hopefully it will not take such an extreme case as a death of a parent for you to realize that Affirmation is there for you, but if such circumstances occur, it is reassuring to know that you will not have to face the tough times alone. This was originally published in the December issue of REFLECTIONS, the LA Chapter newsletter. Ben Jarvis was an LA Board member. Reprinted with permission. |
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