{"id":10268,"date":"2017-02-05T12:00:37","date_gmt":"2017-02-05T19:00:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/affirmation.org\/?p=10268"},"modified":"2019-02-07T15:04:52","modified_gmt":"2019-02-07T22:04:52","slug":"women-and-nonbinary-stories-from-around-the-web","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/affirmation.org\/pt\/mulheres-e-nao-binarias-historias-da-web\/","title":{"rendered":"Mulheres e hist\u00f3rias n\u00e3o bin\u00e1rias da Web"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>collated by Jenn Lee Smith<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Welcome to stories of Queer Mormon Women and Non-Binary folks collected from around the web. You will find excerpts of the content within their respective categories, as well as links to the entire content. I tried to find as many stories as possible and hope you will find it useful. If you have additional stories you\u2019d like to link here, please contact <\/span><a href=\"mailto:kathy@affirmation.org\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Kathy Carlston<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Essays and Blog postings<\/span><\/b><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Books<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Podcasts<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Videos<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Poetry and Creative Works<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><b>Essays and Blogs:<\/b><\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bycommonconsent.com\/2016\/11\/05\/imagination-integration-reflections-on-lgbtq-mormon-trauma-healing-one-year-post-policy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Imagination and Integration: Reflections on LGBTQ Mormon Trauma and Healing One Year Post Policy<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">November 5, 2016, Laura D.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cIn listening to LGBTQ\/SSA people who remain in the church, pushing back homo-romantic\/sexual needs and seeking to invest in meaningful endeavors and close same sex friendships, is a common strategy to help comfort the inherent pain and challenges of forgoing a same sex pair bond. In listening to LGBTQ Mormons who are either in or pursuing same sex relationships, painfully stepping back from cherished religious community\/practice and instead seeking out God and\/or spirituality individually, appears to be the most common way forward, in addition to seeking out alternative communities of support. In both general pathways, I hope outside observers can sense the beautiful human spirit of resiliency at work in the face of incredible relational losses. What I also hope comes increasingly into focus is the need for continued imagination and creativity on the part of the LDS community as a whole; to lean further into a process of integration to facilitate greater healing, as opposed to first order coping that pushes things away.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lattergaysaints.com\/an-apology\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Why I Feel Responsible for the Policy Change<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">August 2016, Kathleen M.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cWhen November 4th rolled around and the\u00a0<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.scribd.com\/doc\/288685756\/Changes-to-LDS-Handbook-1-Document-2-Revised-11-3-15-28003-29\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Gay\u00a0Exclusion Policy<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0came into my view, I noticed right away it seemed to cover guidelines not only for same-sex marriage participants but another topic Celeste and I had spoken of extensively with our Stake President\u2026 our children. I know I wasn\u2019t the only one incredibly heart-broken over this added insult-to-injury, no baby blessings or baptism for our children, but I immediately thought back to the article we\u2019d posted and the stir it had caused. <\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/outofobscurity.org\/2016\/03\/17\/a-prayer-to-heavenly-mother\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A Prayer to Heavenly Mother<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">March 2016, Ellen K.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cYou once taught me I was blameless<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">for being the queer woman I grew up to be.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your Spirit bore witness to mine, assuring me<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I was a child of a Heavenly Mother and Father.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lattergaysaints.com\/stop-our-suffering\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Stop Our Suffering<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">March 2016, Bethany R.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI\u00a0testify that I have received a personal witness that the love and level of commitment LGBT people experience towards one another is no less legitimate than any other\u2019s, and it is neither rejected nor condemned by our merciful Heavenly Father. If this knowledge leads me away from the institution of the church, then so be it. \u00a0I cannot deny the truth in my heart, nor the God that has placed it there and held me so gently through my ocean of tears. My heart is eternally bound to my Lord. I will continue to kneel and go where He leads me. \u00a0I will serve how and where I am able. \u00a0I will love without shame or reservation.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.feministmormonhousewives.org\/2016\/03\/clipped-wings\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Clipped Wings<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">March 2016, Shawna Fisher<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI was given these amazing eagle wings at birth,<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">but I was told I could never use them here on earth.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I was told if I wanted my angel wings in Heaven, I would have to watch all the other birds fly.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And so as I watch the other birds soar on their wings, it often makes me cry.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">From the pigeon to the hummingbird to the swallow to the hawk,<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I watch without a vantage point because my shoes are filled with rocks.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I have these wings, but cannot fly.<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I can. They say. But only when I die.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/outofobscurity.org\/2016\/02\/02\/sister-may-i-kiss-you\/#more-3121\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sister, may I kiss you?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">February 2016, Emily W.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cOur mothers blacked their journals out <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And taught us to do the same <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But no one taught me how to love <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A girl made up of rain\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.feministmormonhousewives.org\/2016\/01\/my-hope\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My Hope<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">January 2016, afknick<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI\u2019m\u00a0looking, searching for\u00a0the tiniest bit of hope, the tiniest sliver of evidence that I am safe or wanted in this religion that shaped me and raised me. What I am finding, though, is that as a lesbian, my orientation, my desire to be loved by and to love someone of my own gender, is more important than my actions.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s more important than the babies I foster, or the sleepless nights spent in the hospital with my medically fragile children. It\u2019s more important than the months spent teaching a neglected developmentally delayed six-year-old how to use the toilet; more important than the celebration when that same six-year-old pedals a bike for the first time in his life. It\u2019s more important than the relationships I have developed with friends and family; relationships that allow a friend to feel comfortable enough to let me take her newborn and toddler for days while she recovered from a health scare. And definitely more important than the\u00a0months of work and effort and faith and love required to watch a mother reunify successfully with her baby girl.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.slate.com\/blogs\/outward\/2016\/01\/04\/what_it_s_like_to_be_an_ex_mormon_lesbian.html\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What It\u2019s Like to Be an Ex-Mormon Lesbian<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">January 2016, Sarah S.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cOn Nov. 5, 2015, a <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.slate.com\/blogs\/outward\/2015\/11\/06\/mormon_church_declares_gay_people_and_their_children_apostates.html\"><b>leaked document<\/b><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> declared gay married people to be apostates, traitors banished from all levels of heaven, whose children cannot participate in church rites unless they disavow their parents. I spoke to 20 women\u2014women who self-identify as lesbian, queer, pansexual, and bisexual\u2014about their experiences, hoping to form some kind of cohesive narrative. I wanted to take data and arrange it into a story that makes sense, in a situation that doesn\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mormonism doesn\u2019t tolerate deviation from dogma. If you take one brick away, the whole tower collapses, which is horrible architecture for an actual tower. And so this legal decision [CA Prop 8], 2,500 miles away from my dorm room, destroyed my faith. And, because Mormonism is such an all-encompassing religion, it also destroyed my sense of self&#8230;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To all of us, finally, came the attraction we couldn\u2019t ignore, the one we couldn\u2019t rationalize away. The one that proved the previous girl we \u201cadmired\u201d wasn\u2019t one in a million. She was just a girl, and so were we, and that was why we felt this way&#8230;<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Still, somehow, things seemed to snap into place, like dominos righting themselves when I didn\u2019t even know they\u2019d been knocked down. As Lindsey, who still attends church, says of her own realization, \u201cIt all just made total sense. All the pieces I had scattered around me came together, and I could make sense of everything.\u201d<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The sky was bluer; sonnets meant something. At this point, the Molly Mormons could picture a future that made sense, instead of being unable to imagine one at all.\u201d\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/outofobscurity.org\/2016\/01\/03\/grace-big-girl-panties-and-the-challenge-of-heterosexual-privilege\/\">Grace, Big Girl Panties, and the Challenge of Heterosexual Privilege<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">January 2016<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI\u2019m a closeted lesbian, but my aunt has known I\u2019m gay for a long time. I never told her and she never asked. She just knew. She\u2019s like that. Super em-pa-thic. A few years ago I told her I was thinking about coming out publicly. I expected her typical open, affirming, supportive response&#8230;\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.slate.com\/blogs\/outward\/2015\/11\/17\/lesbian_mormon_how_the_new_lds_policies_affect_one_family.html\">Will My Son Be Baptized With His Peers? Reflections of Lesbian Mormon<\/a>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">November 2015, Jessica S.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI will not be silent any longer. Until now I had mostly been at peace with my separation from my heritage church and have never spoken ill of it in public. My greatest fear is to offend the amazing everyday Mormon people I love who had nothing to do with this decision from the top. Even with the history of the church\u2019s well-publicized anti-gay-marriage campaigns in Hawaii and California, I believe the church has upped the ante with this new policy by punishing children for the \u201csins\u201d of their fathers and labeling all those in committed same-sex relationships as apostates.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.lattergaysaints.com\/can-you-be-born-an-optimist\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Is It Something I\u2019m Born With?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">September 2015, Taliatha H.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cThere are all the ways the Church works I can\u2019t explain\u2013the way it works in my interior world: the lightness in my soul; moments of reflection, amazement, or loving-comfort when I pray; a feeling as I read the Book of Mormon that a conduit is opening to heaven. These reasons, most of all, are why the Church is a part of my joy I can\u2019t forsake\u2013even though I am no longer a member. As I navigate my relationship to the Church, I don\u2019t feel as much pain and frustration as I probably could. This is because of another aspect of happiness I\u2019ve learned by studying psychology: I focus on things within my control. Sure, I\u2019d love the Church to change towards greater acceptance of LGBT people. But, in order for me to feel peace, I have to play a little mind game. I ask myself this question, \u201cDoes the Church present enough value to me, that I would stay\u2026even if it NEVER changed?\u201d For me, the answer is yes! By framing the situation in this way, it removes from the equation a factor that\u2019s outside my control, and places my focus instead on the value I gain from the Church. Rather than worry about how people will treat me or my family on Sunday, I focus on learning and teaching correct principles to my children, strengthening my relationship with God, and serving my fellow man.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/affirmation.org\/figuring-things-out\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Figuring Things Out<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">March 2015, Taliatha H.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cOnce I figured it out, it felt like I\u2019d put on new glasses in which many things in my life that had been blurry and confusing before now made sense clearly.\u00a0\u00a0I enjoy and am drawn to men, but the actual kissing-and-being-physical part always felt unnatural.\u00a0\u00a0From watching movies and reading books, I sort of knew what to do in that arena, but never felt a passionate drive towards men that compelled me to be physical.\u00a0\u00a0For this reason, I only had one boyfriend I ended up marrying.\u00a0\u00a0Rob is a wonderful person on every front, but the process of choosing him was somewhat of an intellectual exercise.\u00a0\u00a0I didn\u2019t understand the \u201cchemistry\u201d component\u2013that it was supposed to be there and was missing.\u00a0\u00a0I feel sorry for messing up his life, but had no idea I wasn\u2019t straight.\u00a0\u00a0We both feel grateful God kept us in the dark long enough to have five lovely kids.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/affirmation.org\/polyphony-of-three-berta-marquez\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Polyphony of Three<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">November 2015, Berta M.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201c<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I could no longer think, read, medicate, run or swim away from myself. I couldn\u2019t even compose or play the instruments that had once brought me consolation and solace. I had lost my music and light. It was in this state that I finally allowed myself to be vulnerable with God in a way I hadn\u2019t been before. In that tiny tent I prayed, \u201cGod, do you love me as I am?\u201d. The subsequent love that I felt come over me was enough to forever change my perception of God, of life, of myself. I call it my sacred grove experience. There were no trees, no wilderness to romance the narrative. It was just me in that cavernous room, but that prayer completely altered the path I had been walking in secrecy, isolation and shame. It lit the way out of the valley of the shadow and to the place of green pastures, beside still waters. It restored my soul and revived me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.mormonwomen.com\/interview\/taught-by-her-mothers\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Taught by Her Mothers<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">November 2015, Annalaura S.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Annalaura Solomon was raised by lesbian mothers and joined the Church 12 years ago, at the age of 18. In this interview, Annalaura describes her love for her upbringing and offers her perspective on the new policies added to Handbook 1 on gay couples and their children.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.nomorestrangers.org\/good-girl-or-asexual\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cgood girl\u201d or asexual?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">July 2014, Megan H.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cMaybe that was why I was having no luck in the romance department; perhaps I was a lesbian? I very cautiously began to examine the women around me the way I had done the men, wondering if any of them would spark physical attraction. Before too long though, I realized that there was nothing there, and this brought me both relief and disappointment. Relief, because I know how terribly the church treats those who are gay or lesbian. Finding out that I was one would have turned my life upside down. And yet\u2026the thought of having one person who truly understood me, who I could spend the rest of my life with, is such an appealing thought. I had already ruled out the possibility of finding a man who could be that for me; now women were closed to me as well. So then where did that leave me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/youngmormonfeminists.org\/2013\/11\/17\/the-gay-law-of-chastity\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Gay Law of Chastity<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">November 2013, Hermia L.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI want to simply share my experience as a fellow human, and hope that it can open a useful space for conversation and introspection. \u00a0Regarding the second goal, I believe it\u2019s high time we admit that there is a huge difference between the law of chastity that we expect straight members to follow and the law of chastity we expect gay members to follow. \u00a0As I will explain later, they are not the same and they are not equally difficult to follow. For this reason, I will refer to the two separate laws of chastity as the gay law and the straight law.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/affirmation.org\/flipping-switch-letting-god-light-path\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Flipping the Switch<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">July 2013, Kathy C.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">\u201cWhile I can entertain possible conclusions from the years of being kept in the dark as the unnecessary torture of a coy God, I personally don\u2019t feel that way. Even though there has been so much pain, God has renewed my strength hundreds of times. Even though it seems like every 5 minutes I lose faith in myself, God raises my eyes, helps me laugh and sends me comfort. Even though there have been so many times when I\u2019ve felt like I have lost my integrity (my opinions of the church, of my situation, of everything else have been in so much flux that one minute I feel one way and the next my opinion\u2019s the exact opposite), and even though I feel so lost in a sea of noise, God walks patiently by my side, just waiting for me to turn my head and ask for His opinion. At this point in my journey, I\u2019m not sure precisely why, but I feel like part of the reason why it was important for me to walk this path was so I would know that: A) I couldn\u2019t change because B) I wasn\u2019t broken and C) God loves us, walks with us, conspires for our happiness.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.nomorestrangers.org\/what-mormon-born-widely-assumed-lesbian-was-the-most-loved-and-richest-woman-in-america-in-the-early-nineteen-hundreds\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What Mormon-Born, Widely-Assumed Lesbian was the Most Loved and Richest Performer in America in the Early Nineteen Hundreds?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">June 2013, Carol Lynn P.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cBeing a student of theatre at BYU, where I received my M.A., I was, of course, very much aware of the name <\/span><b>Maude Adams<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. I knew that her Mormon mother performed on the stage of the famous Salt Lake Theatre in Brigham Young\u2019s stock company. I knew that Maude left Utah and her Mormon roots and became successful in the East. I knew that she originated the role of Peter Pan, which was written specifically for her by her friend James M. Barrie.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But I had no idea that, according to Wikipedia, she became \u201cthe most successful and highest-paid performer of her day, with a yearly income of more than one million dollars during her peak.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><b><i>And I certainly did not know that she is widely believed to have been a woman who loved women and that she shares a tombstone with her companion of 40 years.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/affirmation.org\/case-missing-lesbians-queer-women-lds-lgbtqiasga-world\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Case of the Missing Lesbians: Where are the Queer Women in the LDS LGBTQIA\/SGA world?<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">May 2013, Hermia L.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cAfter many talks with queer LDS women about the lack of queer women in the LDS LGBTQIA\/SGA world, I\u2019ve developed three theories about why queer women are missing and how we can stop marginalizing queer women.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The <\/span><b>first theory<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is simple: queer women are missing because we have failed to make their (our) stories public. When I began exploring LDS LGBTQIA\/SGA culture, the lack of queer women caused me to doubt my own queer identity. I can\u2019t help but think that many other queer women have had the same experience, and have repressed their queer identity because they feel there is no place for them in LDS LGBTQIA\/SGA culture. The <\/span><b>second theory<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is that queer women are missing because they haven\u2019t yet realized they are queer. As I have shared my story with other queer women, many of them have identified with this narrative. They ascribed their complete lack of sexual arousal in their relationships with men to their righteousness and their naturally low feminine libido. The problem with teaching women that they are not sexual beings is that it damages the sexualities of all women, regardless of orientation. In order to allow young girls to develop their sexualities in a healthy way, we must stop spreading the myth that they are not as sexual as boys. The <\/span><b>third theory<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> is that queer women are missing from LDS LGBTQIA\/SGA culture because they leave the Church at a faster rate than queer men. As many Mormon women on the Bloggernacle have pointed out, it is difficult enough being a woman in a extremely patriarchal church, let alone being a queer woman. Additionally, Mormon culture tends to value married women over unmarried women. Temple-worthy queer men who choose to remain in the church can still receive the priesthood, regardless of their sexuality.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.mormonwomen.com\/interview\/playing-from-her-heart\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Playing from Her Heart<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">May 2013, Tina R.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cTina knew from a young age that music was her life\u2019s calling and she is a professional saxophonist in New York. It took longer for Tina to realize that she is gay, but a period of inactivity from the Church didn\u2019t stop her from paying her tithing every month. It was appreciation and practice of Buddhism that led Tina back to the Church in her remarkable journey back into activity.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.mormonwomen.com\/interview\/understanding-who-she-is\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Understanding Who She Is<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">June 2012, Bridey J. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Currently the president of Brigham Young University\u2019s Understanding Same Gender Attraction club, Bridey Jensen has spent her college years coming to terms with the fact that she is gay. Although she\u2019s suffered through years of struggle and depression, Bridey now feels more confident and loved by God than she ever has before.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/affirmation.org\/resources\/books-films-plays-television\/films\/karen-everett-documenting-the-lesbian-experience\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Documenting the Lesbian Experience<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">July 2005, Karen E.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Karen Everett is an independent filmmaker living in San Francisco. Her award-winning documentaries and personal film memoirs have played in festivals worldwide, aired on television, and are distributed to the educational and home video markets. After attending Brigham Young University in the early 1980s, Everett moved to Massachusetts, where she accepted her lesbianism and fell in love with a woman. Two of Everett\u2019s Mormon-relevant documentaries are\u00a0My Femme Divine\u00a0and\u00a0Framing Lesbian Fashion. Part memoir and part documentary,\u00a0My Femme Divine\u00a0draws from Mormon teachings and Jungian psychology to explore the butch\/femme mystique. Throughout this remarkably crafted film, two lively groups talk butch-to-butch and femme-to-femme about yin\/yang chemistry and a love that borders on worship. Framing Lesbian Fashion\u00a0includes a semi-autobiographical account of director Karen Everett\u2019s \u201cfashion journey\u201d from a traditional Mormon student at Brigham Young University to coming out in Northampton, Mass.\u2013nicknamed \u201cLesbianville, U.S.A.\u201d \u00a0More of her work can be found <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.imdb.com\/name\/nm0263543\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">here<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.gaymormonstories.com\/Joyce_Beach.html\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Loving Both Men and Women<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">April 2003, Joyce B.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When I found out what people were saying about me, I was devastated.\u00a0 I began to obsessively worry about appearing too affectionate with other women.\u00a0 For nearly three years after, I wouldn&#8217;t even kiss my own mother.\u00a0 Conversely, I began to act &#8220;boy crazy&#8221;.\u00a0 I chased after boys and fantasized obsessively about getting married someday and having children. I have often wondered if my pattern of choosing unavailable men started then, because the boys I chased almost never liked me back.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><b>BOOKS:<\/b><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Saving-Alex-Fifteen-Parents-Nightmare\/dp\/0062374605\/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1478892607&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=saving+alex\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Saving Alex by Alex Cooper, Joanna Brooks<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cIt really matters that there are people in conservative and religious communities who speak up for a loving and accepting God, even when others don\u2019t.\u201d 192<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cNo question, I had been a difficult kid. But I had always told them the truth and taken the punishment\u2026I had always been the girl who didn\u2019t fit into other people\u2019s expectations, the curious one, the hardheaded one, the one who stood on the edge of the crowd, who didn\u2019t believe everything they taught me, who dreamed of running away to the city. I had always been different. That difference would make me strong.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cMy parents both needed to believe that there was a plan that would make everything okay and keep them safe\u2026to belong to a community that told them they were okay, even if it had no place for people like me\u2026just like the people in st. George who saw Johnny and Tiana beat me in the grocery store parking lot but could not find a voice to intervene, just like the missionaries who saw me at the wall but could not say anything\u2026my parents were locked in by their need to believe and belong, so locked into their hunger for answers that they could not be with me in my questions and struggles as a gay girl in a religion that was so impossible for people like me. I did not blame them then, and I do not blame them now. Still, the realization hurt. It hurt me deeply.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Mormon-Feminism-Essential-Joanna-Brooks\/dp\/0190248033\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mormon Feminism: Essential Writings edited by Joanna Brooks, Rachel Hunt Steenblik, Hannah Wheelwright<\/span> <\/a><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cCollecting essays, speeches, poems, and prose,\u00a0Mormon Feminism\u00a0presents the diverse voices of Mormon women as they challenge assumptions and stereotypes, push for progress and change in the contemporary LDS Church, and band together with other feminists of faith hoping to build a better world.\u201d Even though there is almost no reference at all to lds queer women, this book is the first to address what it means to be Mormon and feminist. <\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/affirmation.org\/resources\/books-films-plays-television\/books-articles\/the-confession-of-an-unrepentant-lesbian-ex-mormon-or-hanging-out-with-gay-mormons-in-salt-lake-city\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Confession of an Unrepentant Lesbian Ex-Mormon by Sue-Ann Post<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">March 2005<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Anyone who knows Sue-Ann Post\u2019s comedic work would realize that she\u2019s fearless in tackling difficult issues in her stand-up work. She can make an audience weep from laughter as she candidly deals with such unfunny topics as incest or the pain that comes from being rejected by her family. She uses the same tactic in her book, however less for a comic effect than a profound investigation of religion and her upbringing as a Mormon. At the age of 41, Post has made a circuitous journey towards reconciliation with her past, and the book she has written now \u2013 full of understanding and deep reflection \u2013 would never have been possible ten or 15 years ago.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The book came about from an invitation to appear at the Mormon gay and lesbian conference, Affirmation, held in Salt Lake City, Utah. It quickly suggested itself as an ideal subject for a filmed documentary, and after overcoming numerous hurdles eventually the popular ABC TV program Compass came on board. The book opens with a well-researched and thoughtfully argued potted history of Christianity, followed by an historical overview of the Mormon faith. Here Post balances her shifting views about faith and religion and offers insights into both through glimpses of her life and writing from the time of her break with the Mormon church. At the time of reading these chapters, I was partly impatient for Post to get to Utah to mix it up with queer Mormons, but by the end of the book appreciated the level of detail and philosophical underpinning of this section. It worked to deepen my understanding of her time in Utah and showed an impressive intelligence and love of learning.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><b>PODCASTS:<\/b><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>Out in Zion #4 &#8212; August 30, 2015<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A discussion exploring what it\u2019s like to be LGB Women in the context of LDS culture. Contributors discuss obstacles they encountered, how they developed a positive LGB identity and their individual processes of determining their romantic relational choices.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>Out in Zion #41 &#8212; June 26, 2016<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Podcast regulars\u00a0<\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.outinzion.org\/contributors\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Berta Marquez<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0and\u00a0<\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/www.outinzion.org\/contributors\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Kendall Wilcox<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a0take the conversation on the road to include local members of their community in Provo, UT. First they check-in with David and Christian, young\u00a0gay Mormon intellectuals\u00a0who have thought deeply about the counsel to identify themselves solely as \u201cchildren of God\u201d and how it impacts their ability to function as full, healthy individuals. Next Berta and Kendall stop by Susan\u2019s home to hear from a Mormon artist, wife, and mother who struggles to hold her space in her LDS community while also reaching out with love and acceptance to her LGBT friends and loved ones. Finally, Berta and Kendall sit down with Celeste and Keisha, a newly married couple attempting\u00a0to form a sense of community in their Provo neighborhood.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>Mormon Stories #623 \u2013 February 22, 2016<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Elizabeth Grimshaw was raised Mormon. She knew she was lesbian as a teenager, but spent her early years (teens and 20s) attempting to date men and to marry a man. In her early 30s, after many failed attempts to be \u201cstraight,\u201d she came out as a lesbian, stopped attending the LDS church, and began dating women. Elizabeth found a committed partner 10 years ago, and married her partner 8 years ago. They are currently happily raising a daughter in Salt Lake City, Utah.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Even though Elizabeth has not attended an LDS congregation since her early 30s, she was recently approached by her LDS bishop (whom she\u2019d never met)\u00a0<\/span><b><i>in her driveway<\/i><\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and told that: 1) she needed to pray to God about whether or not to leave her wife and child, and that 2) if she wouldn\u2019t divorce\u00a0her wife and child, that she would face excommunication from the LDS church.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><b>Videos<\/b><\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/affirmation.org\/resources\/books-films-plays-television\/films\/3211-2\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Voices in Exile: Stories of Lesbian Mormons<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">March 2004<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Beginning with the first interview in November of 1999, Randall filmed lesbian Mormons willing to go on camera and speak of their experiences in the culture. Many women refused to be recorded, fearing loss of friends and family, as well as standing within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) or Mormon Church. Whether filmed or not, the emerging stories focused on their pain and anguish as they dealt with perceived mutual exclusivity of being Mormon and lesbian.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>Affirmation 2015 International Conference <\/b><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Laura Dulin \u2013 The Woman I Love<\/span><\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/9pIy7neFGRg?start=142\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>Evening of Affirmation International Conference \u2013 September 24, 2016<\/b><\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/kv956bWYaqQ?start=2612\" width=\"560\" height=\"315\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen=\"allowfullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Trans and Non-Binary Performances<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sara Jade \u2013 My Name is Transsexual \u2013 43:32<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Aubree Lyman \u2013 Girl-Boy, Boy-Girl \u2013 55:06<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Augustus Crosby \u2013 Abandoned \u2013 57:15<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lee Bobbie \u2013 The Spaces Between the Pronouns \u2013 1:02:32<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Brianna Cluck \u2013 Wickedness Never Was Happiness \u2013 1:09:50<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Performers\u2019 Panel \u2013 1:13:18<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><b>Far Between<\/b><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/farbetweenmovie.com\/kathy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Kathy C.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p>After years of trying to change on her own, Kathy resorted to reparative therapy to change her attraction towards women. But the main premise of that therapy\u2013that some sort of abuse or hurt was at the core of her orientation\u2013never fit her own life experiences. Then\u00a0her LDS stake president referred Kathy to resources that did not involve trying to change herself\u00a0and\u00a0she began reading everything she could find on gay Mormons.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As\u00a0she read a man\u2019s account about no longer asking God to change his attraction to men, but simply asking God what He thought about it, everything changed for Kathy. When she prayed and asked God about her orientation, she felt God\u2019s approval and desire for her to find a wife and be happy. For the first time since she was six years old, her desire to be dead was gone, and she felt a new enthusiasm for life.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Although Kathy is not currently active in the LDS church, she loves and respects her Mormon family and friends, and she believes someday the church will have room for people like her. Being a lesbian Mormon has taught Kathy that God loves all of us, He\u2019s happy for all of us, and that there\u2019s hope out there.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/farbetweenmovie.com\/ellen\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ellen K.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Since she was a little girl,\u00a0Ellen\u00a0knew she was different\u2013but it wasn\u2019t until junior high that realized she wasn\u2019t attracted to boys. She worked hard to shut off her attraction to girls, but being dishonest with herself made it hard for to be honest with others, including her parents. In college,\u00a0Ellen\u00a0converted to the Church, but hearing her ward members blame the world\u2019s problems on gay people brought up all of\u00a0Ellen\u2019s fears and shame. She held onto the missionaries\u2019 promise that sacrifice and covenants would lead to blessings\u2013and the the biggest blessing she desired was to not be gay. She put in her mission papers, hoping her service would lead God to remove her attraction to women.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Shortly before getting endowed in the temple,\u00a0Ellen\u00a0disclosed her orientation to her bishop, although she was living the law of chastity. He bishop revoked her temple recommend and told her that Christ\u2019s Atonement doesn\u2019t cover the sin of homosexuality.\u00a0Ellen\u00a0was crushed, and although her next bishop responded with much more kindness, she still wrestled with the question of why she was gay. A short time later, while praying in the baptistry of the Oqrr Mountain Temple,\u00a0Ellen\u00a0received a strong spiritual witness that God loved her as she was, and that she should find a wife and prepare for a family. This revelation enabled\u00a0Ellen\u00a0to rise above her depression and begin dating while still attending Church. Having the Spirit in her life has not gone away because she is gay and dating women.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/farbetweenmovie.com\/elise-sam\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Elise and Sam<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sam and Elise\u2019s motto has become, \u201cYou can\u2019t expect respect unless you are willing to give it. \u201d Sam and Elise met in college and instantly became best friends\u2013they didn\u2019t know they were gay at the time. It wasn\u2019t long before they realized that their relationship was becoming more than a simple friendship.\u00a0At that time, the Church was a very important part of their lives. They worked hard to fight their growing romantic relationship, concealing it from their parents, bishops and professional counselors and support groups\u2013many of whom backed up their growing belief that they would have to choose between a relationship with each other and involvement with the Church (one bishop even compared homosexuality with murder).\u00a0It proved to be a very difficult decision\u2013the Church was more than just their belief system, it was their culture as well. Still, they chose their relationship, which continues to prove difficult for their families, who also feel a pressure to pick between the teachings of their church and their relationship with Sam and Elise.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"http:\/\/farbetweenmovie.com\/anna\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Anna<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Coming out as a lesbian has taught Anna more about letting love in and letting fear go, than any other life experience. When she became more open about her sexuality, she experienced a wide range of reactions, from a coworker\u2019s support and her family\u2019s love, to friends who walked away. Through it all, Anna has come to believe that fear is at the heart of our inability to love those who are different from us. But when she stopped asking, \u201cWhy me?\u201d and began asking, \u201cGod, what\u00a0do you want me to do with this?\u201d Anna\u2019s whole life changed. Today she is happy to be able to finally say that she truly loves herself and that she knows that her Heavenly Father loves her just as she is. Although she no longer feels at home at church, groups like Affirmation, Mormons Building Bridges, and Family Fellowship have given her the support and space needed to dig deep and choose what she wants for her life. As the \u201cmaster of her own destiny,\u201d Anna feels she finally has a reason to live and be happy as she chooses what is right and true for herself.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>Mormon and Gays: The Forefront Talks<\/strong><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A series by Laura Dulin on coming out in the LDS Church and how to offer support to those who do.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/channel\/UCsx-Lem5yDkO-k6Y_U6htkw\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/channel\/UCsx-Lem5yDkO-k6Y_U6htkw<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h2><b>Poetry and Creative Works<\/b><\/h2>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Girl-Boy, Boy-Girl<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">by Aubree Lyman<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You have no idea how hard I tried to disappear for you. At first it was just<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">the parts that I knew you didn&#8217;t like. The parts of me that were male and<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">attracted to women and sad. I was raised to believe that I lived in a world<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">of opposites and I was hurting so much because it was too much, being a<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">boy and a girl at the same time. You can&#8217;t be both, so cutting out the boy<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">part should be easy, right? Only trying to get rid of the part of me that<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">was male was like trying to bleach the blue out of lavender. The pink<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">goes away too. I can&#8217;t be only a woman, only attracted to men, only<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">happy or sad&#8230; I have to be both or I&#8217;m nothing. And I realized that the<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">part of me that I could get rid of, the part that was really causing all the<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">pain was the part that kept trying to pick a side because their are no sides<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">to me. I&#8217;m just a girl-boy boy-girl who feels so many things all at the<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">same time and if you want to pretend that I am lying or naive, then go<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">ahead. But you can&#8217;t make me disappear. Because for the first time in my<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">life I am happy that I exist. So that&#8217;s what I wanted to tell you. I brought<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">some chocolate if it&#8217;ll make you feel better?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a9<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> 2016 Aubree Lyman<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Spaces Between the Pronouns <\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">by Lee Bobbie<\/span><\/p>\n<p>At first there wasn&#8217;t a word<\/p>\n<p>And then I learned a word<\/p>\n<p>Gay.<\/p>\n<p>And then a more specific word for persons who are<\/p>\n<p>Assigned female at birth,<\/p>\n<p>The L-word.<\/p>\n<p>And that was what I&#8217;d say,<\/p>\n<p>The L-word.<\/p>\n<p>But never<\/p>\n<p>The word itself.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>And for a long time<\/p>\n<p>I couldn&#8217;t say it<\/p>\n<p>And<\/p>\n<p>I couldn&#8217;t figure out why.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>We try to fit ourselves<\/p>\n<p>Into existing words<\/p>\n<p>Because words mean we exist<\/p>\n<p>Even when they don&#8217;t fit right<\/p>\n<p>Even when they feel so wrong<\/p>\n<p>But there&#8217;s nothing wrong with me<\/p>\n<p>Is there?<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I was never one of them girls, or women<\/p>\n<p>Nor did I feel like one, I don&#8217;t<\/p>\n<p>But damn did I try<\/p>\n<p>And just like the pretty dance of straight pretense,<\/p>\n<p>I failed<\/p>\n<p>Miserably.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Yet I also<\/p>\n<p>Always knew<\/p>\n<p>I never wanted to grow up to be<\/p>\n<p>A man.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>So what was I?<\/p>\n<p>What am I?<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m not pink or blue<\/p>\n<p>Although I certainly like the color blue,<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps, perhaps<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m just my own hue.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>But also,<\/p>\n<p>What the heck is pink or blue?<\/p>\n<p>Colors like gender<\/p>\n<p>Assigned by culture<\/p>\n<p>The very moment you &#8220;appear&#8221;.<\/p>\n<p>Colors like gender<\/p>\n<p>Assigned by culture<\/p>\n<p>Not by your own will.<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s like saying straight people\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Can&#8217;t like rainbows.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I walk in those spaces<\/p>\n<p>The spaces between the pronouns<\/p>\n<p>Plastered across our faces<\/p>\n<p>She, her, hers, he, him, his<\/p>\n<p>How I wish I could fit in somewhere, somehow<\/p>\n<p>Yet for whom to please?<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s not a big deal I tell myself<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s not like I want or need to take hormones<\/p>\n<p>Or have surgeries<\/p>\n<p>To be myself<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Okay I lie.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Just as my body does.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I have upper body dysphoria<\/p>\n<p>I never wanted them things<\/p>\n<p>And though I know I have &#8217;em &#8220;small&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Well, they&#8217;re there<\/p>\n<p>Since twelve, they&#8217;ve been.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Because our bodies have a mind of their own<\/p>\n<p>Just as we do<\/p>\n<p>And in my ideal world<\/p>\n<p>These two minds would be as one<\/p>\n<p>And mine would be<\/p>\n<p>In the words of my friend Zoie,<\/p>\n<p>A Ken Doll,<\/p>\n<p>NOT BARBIE,<\/p>\n<p>KEN.<\/p>\n<p>Because Ken doesn&#8217;t have them things<\/p>\n<p>AND KEN ALSO DOESN&#8217;T HAVE THEM OTHER THINGS<\/p>\n<p>Ken doesn&#8217;t have<\/p>\n<p>Anything.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Except a beautiful face.<\/p>\n<p>Well, I hope he&#8217;s more than just a beautiful face.<\/p>\n<p>And yet because humans are complicated beings<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;d still keep &#8217;em things<\/p>\n<p>For my future<\/p>\n<p>Kids.<br \/>\nYes, people like me want kids, too.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>And in the meantime<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;ve just suppressed the extreme anxiety<\/p>\n<p>About how people look at me<\/p>\n<p>Question me<\/p>\n<p>Stare at me<\/p>\n<p>And not just when I need to go to<\/p>\n<p>The bathroom.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Oh the bathroom.<\/p>\n<p>Oh the discomfort and confusion on people&#8217;s faces<\/p>\n<p>As I keep my gaze to the floor<\/p>\n<p>Make a swift beeline to a stall<\/p>\n<p>And be<\/p>\n<p>Asinvisibleashumanlypossible<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Because one time when I wasn&#8217;t so invisible<\/p>\n<p>A lady walked in and saw me<\/p>\n<p>And she looked so shocked that before I could catch myself<\/p>\n<p>I said,<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;I&#8217;m sorry&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>I guess I&#8217;ve been saying that a lot<\/p>\n<p>Feeling that a lot<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>So unless I HAVE to respond I don&#8217;t<\/p>\n<p>Like when someone calls me as &#8220;sir&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>I know my voice&#8217;d betray me,<\/p>\n<p>Causing embarrassment to the other.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m not a &#8220;sir&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Tho it&#8217;s okay if you think I am<\/p>\n<p>As long as it ain&#8217;t a bathroom matter<\/p>\n<p>My silence proves a &#8220;peaceful&#8221; end<\/p>\n<p>But maybe instead of &#8220;sir&#8221; or &#8220;ma&#8217;am&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>We could try to use the word,<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Friend&#8221;?<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Truly we are conditioned to be this or that<\/p>\n<p>To WANT to be this or that<\/p>\n<p>To ASSUME that others ARE THIS OR THAT<\/p>\n<p>But what if we&#8217;re NOT this or that?<\/p>\n<p>And what if maybe, JUST MAYBE<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s okay.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I am.<\/p>\n<p>We are.<\/p>\n<p>Both, neither, or none.<\/p>\n<p>And not just one. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Or the other.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>For a long time I believed<\/p>\n<p>That gender is eternal<\/p>\n<p>And that was hard<\/p>\n<p>Because<\/p>\n<p>I believed in something that<\/p>\n<p>Didn&#8217;t have a place for me<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Kinda like being queer I guess.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>At first there wasn&#8217;t a word.<\/p>\n<p>And then I learned a word.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Agender.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m a masculine-presenting agender person<\/p>\n<p>But I&#8217;m not a man<\/p>\n<p>Or a woman<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m just<\/p>\n<p>Me.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a9<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> 2016 Lee Bobbie<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Wickedness Never Was Happiness<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">By Brianna Cluck <\/span><\/p>\n<p>I grew up in a religious household and, if there\u2019s one thing I\u2019ll always remember, it\u2019s that wickedness never was happiness.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Growing up, it was just a phrase that I heard sometimes at church, but then I felt it inside me. \u00a0Everywhere.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It grew from just being heard once every couple months to seemingly every week at church.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It came up when we talked about my brother who made a great living as a programmer but had declared himself an atheist.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Wickedness never was happiness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It came up as I was on the way to work and smelled the inviting scent of coffee from the shop around the corner.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Wickedness never was happiness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It came up on the battlefield of the courts where it seemed that the laws of man were in a battle against the laws of God.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Wickedness never was happiness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It became repetitive, intrusive, but altogether separate from my life.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And then suddenly the intrusion burst past my barricades.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Forcing me to evaluate my own worth, my own body, my own identity.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019d subside the thoughts by donning my shirt, my slacks and my tie. \u00a0I\u2019d carry my scriptures as a sword and my suit as my armor.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Wickedness never was happiness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019d visit the mighty fortress of our God.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But still the invaders flooded in, slaughtering every thought, toppling my psyche, pillaging my soul.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Wickedness never was happiness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>I found myself, at 2 in the morning, in my friend\u2019s bathroom<\/p>\n<p>wiping the mascara from my eyes<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">praying it would all come out<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">praying to God all mighty<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">to wipe away the mark<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">of the beast<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Wickedness never was happiness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I sat on my bed, knife in hand.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Praying to God to take this bitter cup from me<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And to stop labeling it as lemonade.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Wickedness never was happiness.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And then, suddenly<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Divine intervention<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">in the form of a text<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">from a friend.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It simply asks:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Why don\u2019t you transition?<\/span><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I went to the doctor<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I took the bitter pill<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I wear my mascara<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I see the curvature of my body<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">and I know that wickedness never was happiness<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">but I\u2019ve never been happier.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u00a9 <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">2015 Brianna Cluck<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Bem-vindo \u00e0s hist\u00f3rias de mulheres queer m\u00f3rmons e pessoas n\u00e3o bin\u00e1rias coletadas por toda a web Voc\u00ea encontrar\u00e1 trechos do conte\u00fado em suas respectivas categorias, bem como links para todo o conte\u00fado.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":25,"featured_media":16697,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_piecal_is_recurring":false,"_piecal_recurring_interval":1,"_piecal_recurring_frequency":"","_piecal_recurring_exact_position":false,"_piecal_recurring_end":"","_piecal_color":"","_piecal_text_color":"","_piecal_global_color_master":false,"_piecal_rsets":"[]","_piecal_is_event":false,"_piecal_start_date":"","_piecal_end_date":"","_piecal_is_allday":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1849],"tags":[2281,2400,2402,1816],"newsletters":[],"class_list":["post-10268","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog","tag-broadway","tag-maude-adams","tag-peter-pan","tag-theatre"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.7 - 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