My life in four seasons
November 11, 2021
by Edmon “Augustus” García
My life on this earth began, as the blooms precede the spring. This is my story, the story I share with you today. From a very young age, I always knew what I wanted and loved. I considered myself a very mature boy for the age I was, and at 4 years old my taste for boys was already something that became conscious in me and in my identity.
I was a very sweet and lonely child. I didn’t go out or have interaction with anyone for fear of being ignored or, perhaps, for fear of being made fun of because of the way I spoke. So as a child, I didn’t socialize with those around me, only my parents and a few relatives very close to me.
I also remember noticing things that made me different from other children, just as the frost of winter is different from the heat of summer. I liked to play with the girls. I was always attracted by feminine things. I always had a completely different mentality from others. I did not like to think that boys can only play with boys and girls with other girls. That seemed completely ridiculous. I didn’t pay attention to social norms.
As I reached adolescence, I fully realized I was attracted to other boys. I didn’t dare tell anyone for fear of being rejected. My mother would ask me what girls I liked, but I dodged her questions. My family was strict and conservative. My father served in the military. My mother was very religious.
Time passed and with it, the seasons. Sad winters became increasingly harsh. My loneliness and fears were like icy knives. As I entered high school, I felt neither attractive to others nor comfortable with myself. I even felt that Heavenly Father did not accept me, much less love me. This was one of the worst stages of my life inside the closet. A cold and lonely season where I faced the cruelty of bullying. My emotional and spiritual chaos was like a blizzard.
Despite this, I felt the warmth of a whisper telling me that I was not wrong. I was different, but not wrong. I felt this deep down. I knew that Jesus Christ did accept me even though I had a different sexual orientation than most. I was not hurting anyone. I faced a painful winter that included beatings, humiliations, and scorn. Feeling worthless, I attempted to take my life three times. I didn’t feel I belonged in this world. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat.
When I was fifteen, I decided to tell my mom I liked boys. The reaction was not what I expected. Chaos ensued. The strange looks of disgust and repulsion became more frequent. I was kicked out of my home. I slept in strange places to stay off of the streets. Even through this, I felt a little angel always by my side protecting me.
I took refuge in alcohol, cigarettes, and constant partying. I felt empty. I knew my life was going nowhere. I was frustrated. One day, during that harsh winter, I decided to pray. I received an answer that spring would eventually come. I began to take responsibility for my life and move forward.
I came out as openly gay at school. I used my voice and demanded respect. I defended others who were being threatened or bullied as I had been. When I stood up for myself and others, the bullying stopped. Others started coming to my defense. It was a miracle that started when I began to love and defend myself.
I went home and did the same, but the result was not the same as at school. But, little by little, things were softer, more tolerant, more respectful. Little by little there was more LOVE. I understood, finally, that Heavenly Father loved me. Despite having to endure the occasional winter. The sun continued to shine.
Even though I felt as though winter would never end and that my branches and roots were dry, I continued on.
Despite losing my first love, the love of my life, to suicide as a result of their own winter, I continued on.
Even though I was kicked out of my home at an early age by parents who disliked me, I love them and I continued on.
In spite of the blows, humiliations, disappointments, and enmities, I continued on.
Because now I have opened my eyes. Because now I found, in the winter of my life, peace.
Because I have discovered that the joy of summer was always inside me, even if I did not let it shine or know it was there.
Because I myself am the spring of self-love. The rainbow shines in my favor as a symbol of the promise that my Heavenly Father will always be with me.
I finally found myself. I know who I am.
Don’t give up. Be happy. Most importantly, be happy being the authentic you that our Heavenly Father loves.