Two Degrees off Center: The Devil’s Advocate

July 12, 2020

Two Degrees off Center” is a monthly blog by Rich Keys about the personal struggles, issues, and topics that speak to the LDS/LGBT experience.  Sometimes it will be serious, sometimes humorous, but will always approach things from a slightly different perspective.

Devils Advocate

by Rich Keys

(SPOILER ALERT! For those of you who do not really know and understand my sense of humor up close and personal, the following blog is totally satirical—a harsh, angry, sarcastic look at today’s pandemic, racism, social breakdown, and how many of us are dealing with it in self-destructive ways. When I first heard the word “coronavirus,” I had flashbacks to the early days of the AIDS crisis, and something told me to take this seriously, and I’ve followed Dr. Anthony Fauci like a prophet guiding us through this crisis. In addition, ever since I realized I was gay, I’ve identified with the underdog, the fringe, the marginalized in society who have been treated far too long as second-class citizens both individually and systemically. I also find it tragic that, whether dealing with the coronavirus or racism, there are so many people dying needlessly because others don’t love their fellow man but look for excuses to justify their selfish or racist pride. All the statistics and events mentioned are true. I’ve just put my own spin on them…after all, that’s what a devil’s advocate would do. Some of you may find it uncomfortable reading today’s blog or may even stop, but if you stay with it, the ending may deliver you and leave you with something to ponder to help get you through these tumultuous times.)

Wed, May 27

It’s Official! We did it!!
As of this afternoon, the US has reached 100,000 deaths from COVID-19 and we’re not through yet! As usual, when other countries aren’t carrying their load or doing their fair share of the work, the US steps up to the plate and shows everyone how it’s done.

We contribute way more than our fair share to keep the UN and NATO and WHO going, we’re the ones everyone calls when they can’t do it themselves, and now, with only 5% of the world’s population, we contribute 33% of the coronavirus deaths worldwide!!

But we know we can do more. Let’s raise the bar to 200,000!! Some may laugh, but they’re forgetting WE—are the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! So let’s rip off those face masks, cram ourselves together like sardines, visit those nursing homes, stop washing our hands, party till we drop, and nothing can keep us from 200K!

Because WE—ARE THE U.S. OF A!!! USA! USA! USA!

Wed, June 10

Current COVID death count in the US is 112,700+. New Harvard study predicts there could be another 100,000 coronavirus deaths by September…

…but only if we do our part, so let’s get off our butts and get out to those beaches and restaurants, rip off those face masks, huddle together like sardines, sneeze on each other, shake hands with total strangers, bring a friend with asthma or diabetes to your next racial protest, get those political rallies going again, and we can reach our goal in less than three months.

If you have a creative way to spread the virus, share it with others by calling our new hotline 1-866-WereNo1—that’s 866-937-3661—and show everyone there’s a reason we’re leading the world in the death count. It’s because We. Are. The USA!!

Thu, June 25

Hey Everyone!!

New updated totals coming in! Our goal was 200,000 deaths by September, but with all the current spikes, CDC now predicts 150,000 deaths by July 18!! That’s great news but it’s not confetti time yet. Keep ripping off those masks, get out there and pack those bars and beaches, keep coming to those Trump rallies, keep believing it’s a hoax or conspiracy or gov’t control or you’re young and in good shape or, best of all, ya just don’t care anymore. If everyone will just do their part, we can make a difference and meet our goal of 200,000 deaths by September. And why are we so confident? Because We. Are. The USofA!! USA! USA! USA!

Thu, July 9

When I look at how everyone is doing their small part, coming together united as we work toward our death goal of 200,000, I am truly humbled. It really does take a village and examples are pouring in from everywhere on our hotline. Texas shut down their executions because so many prisoners on death row were dying from coronavirus. An IT CEO went on a racist rant towards a group of Asians at a restaurant and no one was wearing a mask. There’s a big spike in test positives in Oklahoma and up to 500 have been traced back to the POTUS party rally in Tulsa. Mr. P is even putting pressure on the CDC to dumb down their recommendations for fall school openings so little Suzie and Johnny can catch it at school and then pass it on to Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa at home so they can die from it. And don’t forget the youth. They’ve worked their tails off to get everything reopened so they can party and play again without any masks and social distancing. Thanks to their efforts, 18-44 is now the fastest growing group in hospitalizations and deaths. Our prisons and skilled nursing facilities are also doing their part to skip the hospitals and go straight to death by the dozens. Keep it up everyone! It takes a village to kill a village!!

USA! USA!
How many more can we kill today?
Don’t stop now, we’re on our way!
200,000 by Labor Day!
YAAAAAY!!!!!!

___________

“And all things shall be in commotion; and surely, men’s hearts shall fail them; for fear shall come upon all people.”

“For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good. And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.”

(Doctrine & Covenants 88:91; Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 28:20-21)

If you enjoyed this post, be sure to check out all posts in the Two Degrees off Center blog series.

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2 Comments

  1. PC LARSEN on July 12, 2020 at 3:57 PM

    This article is both hilarious and sad at the same time. A local news station broadcasted that this Thursday, flashmobs of unmasked protestors are planning to storm local supermarkets. Perhaps a quick tour of a hospital’s ICU wing would serve them better. –But as the old adage goes, “you can’t fix stupid.”

  2. Tim McGeachy on July 12, 2020 at 8:17 PM

    This essay shows incredibly bad taste and thoughtlessness toward readers who may have lost a relative or friend, or are struggling with the virus. It is a thinly veiled political attack on the administration’s handling of the pandemic, moving our dialogue platform into the national political arena. Last month’s essay also concentrated on the political arena. It was a poor attempt to discuss social justice issues, with attempts to speak for “blacks” and “whitey,” and showed poor knowledge about things such as 12 step recovery, which is badly misapplied. Both of the last two months’ articles are pushing the platform into the divisive political and social justice arena. It departs badly from Affirmation’s mission. Where is the editing?

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